Despite that living with in-laws is hard for many normal Chinese families, my husband still wants the waters to be calm all the time and it seems impossible. My father in-law and I suddenly have problems, partly because I lost some respect for him when I heard him verbally abuse my mother in-law, calling her stupid, and I love her dearly as does my husband. But strangely, nobody else in the house even noticed. I couldn’t help losing some respect for him, and it would be normal in America to wait for an opportunity to regain that respect, i.e., if he said sorry to her or showed some regret at all that he hurt her. But here, of course my husband expects me to be totally respectful all the time, because respect is based on position, not give and take. But all he would do when we brought it up is get defensive. How can I change my own cultural nature enough to adapt and survive, or should I?
I dont think you can ask if you can come back to the usa
Comment by schooled_at_home — August 18, 2007 @ 11:33 pm
Long question don’t feel like answering 2 points (^_^)!!!!!!!!!!!
Comment by hellokittycutie506 — August 20, 2007 @ 7:56 am
Remember that you are the guest in there country. It is you that have to learn to accept the anchient customs that the Chin have. Do not expect them to change centuarys old customs of respect in the short time that you are there. If you can’t accept them in there country come home where we have no customs or traditions
Comment by NRA_Bart57 — August 20, 2007 @ 12:52 pm
yes, your husband is right when he wants you to keep respect.
Respect to others, especially seniors, is extremely important in the far east countries like japan and china. for god’s sake don’t try to regain your respect to your father-in law by humiliating him or making him admit he was wrong or smth like that. He must keep his repuation clean even though he might deserve smth else :o)) This is why nobody in the house seems not to have noticed the case. It is normal in these countries whenever people their encounter smth of the sort just to kinda pretend they have seen anyhting. Keep in mind – one’s reputaion (or face as they call it) is the most importnat thing there. The worst thing is if you make him feel uncomfortable in front of others.
Comment by here_4_ya — August 21, 2007 @ 10:53 pm
Just try to accept other people’s faults, and hope they can accept yours aswell.
I’m sure I would lose some respect for the father-in-law aswell. But I also know that he was raised in a different culture at a different time, and occurances like that may have been normal to him during his upbringing. That doesn’t make it right, it’s just the way things are. It’s also ok for you to be upset at such events. But you may have to console yourself about them, or to your husband or another in private, to remain respectfull. Even if equal rights is on the up and coming, people still remember how things used to be and it’s hard to change.
If you have an opportunity for a one-on-one chat with your father in law, you may be able to nicely explain how your feelings are hurt when he treats others in a negative way.
Maybe he expressed his appolgies to his wife in private?
I don’t agree with what he did. But I understand everyone is human and makes mistakes.
Good luck!
Love can solve all your problems.
Comment by Mr. Scientist — August 25, 2007 @ 2:46 am
I Agree W/Mr. Scientist.
Comment by laffeatlick3 — August 26, 2007 @ 10:42 pm
We expect people to adapt to US culture when they move here, even if they don’t agree with it. You live in China and need to abide by their culture, all I can say is just accept it. You can’t be the only American wife in that position over there. Find a support group online or better yet, over there. Do not expect your father in law to change his ways in his own country, that’s just disrespectful.
Comment by tnjesudass — August 28, 2007 @ 5:48 pm
Its not unusual for spouses in asia to call eachother stupid and act emotional. Its not pleasant for anybody, but its somehow gone on for this long so I would suggest maybe look into the underlying heritage that fosters it. I guess maybe its because Confucius never talked about or to women. It would be wrong I think to call it misogyny but asia is more misogynous than the west certainly. You should put yourself in your mother in law’s shoes and know that she’s not offended because its not the first or last time, and its kind of normal.
Comment by spindoctor — August 29, 2007 @ 8:03 pm