I haven’t seen ANY posts on a mother in law like myne. She is chinese, but has lived in America for over 20 years. She still has her broken english and at times is very nieve. She is a nice person, but very, very annoying and irritating to be around. When we had to move her out of her house, she did not pack hardly anything up, and me and my mom had to do it all…not once did we get a “thank you”. In the beginning she would come over and just walk right in our house without even knocking…until we told her to knock!
Since then, my husband and I have had 3 kids, she has 2 days off each week and wants to see the kids every week she has off. She does not discipline, help out around the house with things ( i have 7 month old twins and a 2 year old), she lets my 2 year old get away with anything & everything and is OVERLY excited everytime she comes to see the kids. ( i mean the excitement lasts the entire time, from the moment she walks in the door.
She buys diapers for the kids, and sometime will buy us food. I am grateful she wants to do this, but even when we tell her not to buy anything, she does anyway. I feel like this is her way of keeping my husband on a leash and making him & I feel guilty if we do not spend every week with her. I have gotten to the point where i don’t even want her around that much…she never listens on how i want my kids to be raised or disciplined, and never asks how I am feeling or if it’s a good day to come over, she just expects that every day is a good day. She has even asked to see us on my hubby’s days off, and then expects it to be every day off he has, when that is the time i’d like to spend with him.
My husband has been hurt by me not wanting to spend every week with her coming over to see the kids, but I just can’t do it anymore, and I just need some space from her. She hired a nanny when my hubby was little to take care of him,so i think she is making up for lost time with my kids
my hubby also feels that i should say and act the way it would make him happy. I cannot be fake all the time and be someone i am not. He wants me to tell him what he wants to hear and not how i feel about it. I think he should back me up first being that i’m his wife, but he doesn’t put me first. He tells me i’m mean, even though i have always been cordial to his mom when she is around. I tell him how i really do wish we could be the best friend type, but we are so different! ***Oh, and he is 1/2 chinese, not full, does not speak the chinese language and grew up more with his dad.
**Oh, another thing…( i could go on and on) She does not listen like she understands, but she does understand. We have to tell her over and over about little things like not letting my 2 year old get away with certain things or touch the breakables in the house! I think she acts more nieve than she really is!
Like it or not you will not be able to change her and your husband will be offended because it is his mother.
Have you tried talking to her and letting her know how you feel about her discipline and constant badgering? You have been married long enough to be allowed to.
Comment by Wise Guy! — December 3, 2006 @ 8:41 am
you sound pretty selfish it is his mom and she loves your kids as much as your mom does so chill out and stop thinking the world revolves around you!
Comment by ken j — December 5, 2006 @ 12:47 pm
She sounds very annoying. Put your foot down and leave it down. If he doesn’t get it divorce him
Comment by lady leo — December 7, 2006 @ 3:19 pm
I think she means well. You say that she does buy diapers and food sometimes. It’s really not a grandparent’s job to discipline a child, grandchildren are for them to enjoy and spoil a bit. If you don’t like her coming over so much, put your foot down and tell her she needs to let you know when she is coming over and she needs to ask if it’s okay. You say she starting knocking once you asked her to knock, so she can change her habits. If she is so excited to see the kids when she comes and her excitement lasts the whole time, it obviously means a lot to her. And probably the children realize it too and are happy to see her. I think what you need in this situation is a real heart to heart talk with her, explain how you feel, and hope she understands.
Comment by Kate J — December 7, 2006 @ 11:02 pm
Ma’am this is not a problem . This is just a mother-in-law . Imagine if she hated you and what damage she could do . Sounds like to me she loves your family . Be glad she interested in the kids and buys stuff . Keep everone happy by just putting up with the small crap . Ever watch Everone Loves Raymond . Your mom-in -law sounds like Raymonds mom. Rather have a pest than a mean b—- for a mom-in-law.
Comment by george h — December 10, 2006 @ 3:35 am
yes she means well but any mother or father should be able to appreciate the power of alone time. time to yourself. or time for you your husband and your children. Familys usually have a routine and when someone comes and disrupts that 2 times a week its really really annoying. If they are going to come around that much they need to follow the rules of YOUR home. put your foot down and say no! it might be hard to convice your husband but write down your feelings and what happens when shes there…maybe theres somthing your not getting across to him when you talk to him about it because your so freakin frustrated! can you tell ive been there before?
i lived with the in laws…worse ouch. i had no private time so when i just stopped coming out of our part of the house they called me a hermit. dude ive been there.
u gotta do something now…it wont get any better.
Comment by HELPME999 — December 11, 2006 @ 3:36 am
I don’t understand what wise guy means by you being allowed to say something. I think you need to understand the culture. You married into a Chinese family. The Chinese are very respect full to there older generation. Parents, grandparent, etc. Your mother in law thinks that she is doing nothing wrong. Her not packing was not about you or your mom. She would have done that no matter who was helping her. I think you should read a book about the culture so you have a better understanding of her behavior this would make less stress for you, a happier marriage and a better relationship with your mother in law as if you understand where she is coming from you might find a better way to handle her.
Comment by Kat G — December 14, 2006 @ 9:16 am
You need to read as much as possible on culture shock when going to China, since that will compare western and Chinese culture. There are books with names like “Culture Shock:: China” , so check these out. And it’s going to make a difference whether she’s from Taiwan, China, or Hong Kong or wherever, so be attuned.
Here are some pointers:
1. Host/Guest. There is no such thing as an equal relationship in Chinese culture, it’s always one person slightly senior to the other. Chinese never go Dutch at a restaurant, one person treats, and he gets to decide what is ordered for the whole group. An invited guest at a host’s home is catered to by the host and never expected to lift a finger to pitch in, which is part of why your m-i-l doesn’t help out when she’s over your house. But as the host, you call the shots about when she’s invited. The solution here is to turn it around, and bring the kids to her house. Then she has to cater to you and the kids, because you are the guest. And it’s her stuff getting broken by the 2 year old.
2. Filial piety. Like proverbial Jewish mothers, Chinese mothers are often masters of the guilt trip and manipulating their kids. And once she gets her son to take responsibility for something, she’s off the hook for it. This explains why she didn’t pack anything for the move. The Chinese tradition is that the kids owe the parents for raising them, and this burden falls more on the sons, since the daughters are “given away” to another household. This tradition breeds a sort of “entitlement mentality” among Chinese people older than about 50. Your husband has to learn how to stand up to his mom more. That could be as simple as telling her, we’ve been in the US this long, we are going to follow US customs. That means that you are expected to pitch in with child care, meal prep and cleanup, etc. when you come over here.
3. She is undoubtedly playing dumb about not understanding English that well. It makes a great excuse why people should do things for her that she would otherwise have to do herself. She is perfectly capable of coping and surviving on her own; if she wasn’t around much in your husband’s life, then she was surviving on her own long before you or your husband were there to help her.
4. Chinese people value sons more than daughters, because the sons are expected to take care of them in their old age, while the daughters are expected to pitch in taking care of their husband’s parents. This makes the m-i-l d-i-l relationship potentially very unpleasant (Rent the Joy Luck Club). How do you counter this? Well it’s your house and your country, and your husband is only half Chinese. But the other part is to make it clear that she won’t see her grandchildren as often if she doesn’t start being more considerate of you, by following American customs.
Comment by Durian — December 15, 2006 @ 11:06 pm